Divorce is the Answer

Last weekend was Valentine’s Day. The day where those in love try extra hard to prove it and those who are single try extra hard to forget it.  J and I have never put much effort into Valentine’s Day simply because going out to eat is usually a hassle and honestly our idea of a good night is getting take-out and watching TV. There are plenty of other days to enjoy a date night and spending time together is always our main objective.  I must say though that for the past 8 years I have consistently received a gorgeous bouquet of flowers, delivered with a sweet note, that have been carefully picked out to ensure the inclusion of Tulips, my favorite flower. J is picky and if the bouquet isn’t up to his standards he either requests a custom arrangement or won’t order flowers at all. Our first Valentine’s Day, back in 2006, he was still living in Texas and I in Georgia. He told my mom to make sure we were home for a “special delivery.” I received TWO huge boxes of red, white and pink Tulips. I was so surprised and nothing could wipe the smile off my face. It was the first time I had ever received anything more than some chocolate from a church function of sorts. I proudly displayed the tulips next to my bed (that’s how I found out they make me sneeze, but I didn’t care!) He later told me that he had borrowed his mom’s debit card to order them and had wanted to send more but she wouldn’t let him. I still have the note that he sent with the flowers…and I have saved each one since then too. After all, it is my favorite part!

I’ve been thinking a lot about how our relationship has changed in the past 8 years. We were kids…with kid problems. I was recently reading some of our old love letters we sent to one another. J’s were always so sweet, filled with flowery language, Shakespearean imagery and pictures he had drawn. Mine were less creative, but I did my best to profess my love the best way a 15 year old girl knew how. A common theme was always “when we’re together, everything will be okay.” Our immature minds weren’t thinking about how to divvy up house chores, settle adult arguments, deal with in-laws, the stress of money or paying taxes. To us, being together was going to solve everything-  we were going to live on love! Nothing else was going to matter.  I remember the aching feeling I would have when I missed him more than I could express. I felt like my heart was literally breaking. We were always so careful about hurting the other one’s feelings, saying the right things, making up RIGHT after a little fight and I always made absolutely sure I had my hair done and makeup on before he saw me. Now we’re “adults.” I say it like that because half the time I still feel like a kid playing house…however, it’s the most stressful version of that game I’ve ever experienced.

Obviously, our relationship is drastically different than it was during the era of curfews and getting off the phone to do homework. We’ve gone through all of the stages we used to talk about….learning to drive, graduating high school, moving out, going to college, buying cars, buying a house, getting married….and now 8 years later we’re here- married for almost 3 years! Time has flown by…..and with time I sometimes feel like we have misplaced the velvet gloves we used to use with our relationship. We don’t write the frequent love letters, we speak our minds readily (sometimes at the other’s expense) and I absolutely don’t have my hair and makeup fixed everyday. (This is where I have to give him props- he always puts the seat down! 🙂 ) Of course we love each other more than we ever have, it’s just a more mature and grown up love….a less naive and innocent love. It’s easy to wish that we could somehow go back in time to when our biggest concern was choosing the show we wanted to watch while cuddling, however, I also remember the heartache of the long distance relationship. You have to remind yourself that there will always be struggles no matter the stage of love you’re in, they just transform with time. The issues will always seem big, and sometimes they are, however most are solved with maturity….and reflection..sometimes you wake up and realize “Man! We haven’t fought about the dishes in a long time.” It’s the tiny wins and successes that fuel you through the hard times.

I’m grateful to wake up next to J each and every day. He’s still my rock, my support system and most of all, my best friend. I say this because I feel as though the world’s expectations for relationships has gone astray. Fighting is off limits, let alone disagreeing. Everyone has a laundry list of requirements before they’re happy. Height, weight, age, hair color, blood type, the name of their childhood pet and the list goes on….God forbid 5 years down the road and 2 kids later they uncover something they don’t like. We all wonder why the divorce rate is so high…it’s an easy out. Society has made divorce the answer. Understanding that you WILL go through hard times and you WILL still love that person no matter how annoying they get (and believe me, it will happen) that keeps you focused on the true purpose of your effort- the person you chose to love,  a partner in life and a promise that you will never face anything alone.

“No one can make me cry

Make me laugh

Make me smile

Or drive me mad like s/he does

It’s like a curse that is the cure

Better or worse, one thing’s for sure

It’s real love and I don’t know what I’d do

If I lost it”

– Katie –

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